Thailand Roads…. the survival guide!

December 2, 2013

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I feel it is my duty to inform the ignorant of the devastation that is Thai roads. Actually, roads is too specific a term; lets go with any semi-flat ride-able surface. In the words of Prof Moody/Barty Crouch: CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!! 

As a padestrian  fucking ballsy mofo:

You could be Cindy Crawford and they would still think you are an opportunity to play piñata. You are not in the UK or the US no more. The ant crossing the road has about the same “right of way” as you do. Dodge, duck, dive, dip and DODGE again. Wear a sweatband if it helps you get into character. Just get the fuck out of the way or die. Regards.

As a fellow motorbike rider  rider of death

All I can say on this is; pretend there are 500 bikes all playing “Move Bitch, Get Out The Way Bitch, Get OUT THE WAY!!!!”

As a fellow motorcar driver sitter in traffic

If you ever get the chance to move an inch, know this; this country is all about respect. So no matter if the 80 year old local is driving on the wrong side of the road in a car missing a wheel (yes I have seen this) – he has the right of way. I have seen Range Rovers letting ‘scrap metal’ go first because of who was behind the wheel. Actually amazing to see. I say that now but if I get a car i’ll probably be more inclined to say “senile bastard get the BEEEEP out of my way!!!!!”

Tuk Tuk drivers  The Cast of Fast Six

Wow. Just, WOW. These guys are blessed with 14 lives a day or blessed by some magical Monk somewhere. My advice when you are in one of these: head down, eyes closed and pray to your God.

Now for some ‘General Traffic Remarks’

Hooters:

1 Hoot: “Wassssuuuppp Homey Daaawwwwg”

2 Hoots: “I’m fine Russian, how are you?”

3 Hoots: “Extra cheese, hold the bacon.”

4 Hoots: “How is your mom doing? Love to the family and 6 birds.”

5 Hoots: “Penis”

6 Hoots: “Guys I have found my hooter!! Letting ya’ll know!”

7 Hoots: “Follow me on Twitter”

8 Hoots: “Vagina”

This is basically what I have translated thus far.

Robots:

– Life allowing you 1hour every red robot to think about life, your pigeon and cheese.

– The opportunity to practice saying “Stop staring at me or I will remove your eyelashes” (my students still wont translate that for me)

– The chance to feel more uncomfortable on a taxi scooter, having fuckall to say to a man you are inappropriately positioned with.

 

I hope you have a better understanding of traffic in Thailand and shit.

 

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