I’m writing this high in the clouds (without the help from my cannabis oil) and it’s so strange to think that I’m beyond petrified and yet I willingly put myself in these situations time and time again. Nut job. You really are, Lamb.
These are my thoughts from the sky coming to you live from the airplane:
Please don’t fall out the sky
This is a ridiculous fear, I know, but it’s one that repeats itself over and over again in my mind. The fear is that the plane’s engines will fail, the nose will tip to the ground and we will just hurtle towards earth. This is what I’m thinking about – right now.
Who the fuck keeps farting?
I understand that your breakfast was a bit rich, but for the love of God please stop releasing these toxic gasses. There’s a 2-year-old next to me and he doesn’t like your smells either.
Speaking of that 2-year-old…
I would have kids if they were as good as you, little blonde cutie. To the spawn of Satan three rows in front, you, on the other hand, can eat your own poop you literal anti-Christ.
That food looks nasty
When you go to Starbucks or some cafés, the sandwiches are a day old and still taste good. Why the fuck does airplane food look like it’s the reject pile from an off-license?
How many layers of makeup is the air-hostess wearing?
Does she even have pores? I didn’t have time to brush my hair this morning and this chick is here looking like she’s got a full Glam Team on standby.
How do these hostesses have so much chill?
Corporate Barbie in front of me just ordered room temperature water with ice and then complained the water was too cold. I snorted when she made this declaration and now she’s reclined her seat. Well played… I can smell your fake town so much worse now… pleasant.
Where does everyone’s poop go?
That suction is so strong… visions of it flying into the air are so real.
Turn off your FUCKING cell phones!
The air-hostess has never before seen the trick of ‘totes turning my mobile off’… Yeah. You’re a twat.
That bag is not gonna fit in the overhead compartment
“I totally measured the bag in the thingy thing…” Lies. I know you’re lying and the hostess knows you’re lying – but let’s have this chat for 20 minutes delaying us further.
STAY FUCKING SEATED
“Please stay seated until the seatbelt sign has been switched off and the plane has come to a complete stop.” – Done by no one ever.
Alright, I’ll stop there before I become completely vicious and out of hand. Let’s all take a moment (actually, just me) and realize that planes suck and us humans are shit to each other.
Let’s walk away from this blog post with positive intentions to treat the staff and our fellow passengers with more respect and LOVE. We’re all in this together!