I’m sitting in this coffee shop trying to get my unmotivated self to give a shit and I’m just tired. There are days where your tiredness is a result of no sleep, but you have those days when you’re just tired because… life.
I like the metaphor of life as a train. We all get on without actively buying a ticket; we’re surrounded by strangers who have no clue as to why they’re here. Things happen along the way and then… it ends. You’ve got to wonder at the simplicity of it… Why is something so simple, simply complicated?
Everyone decides to act differently on this train. They choose to be different personas that not everyone is in agreement with.
You have the loud one shouting about nothing. They’re shouting at someone who just takes the abuse and doesn’t contest them. The person sitting nearest to them does nothing, doesn’t intervene, they’re just sitting in their seat committing to nothing and waiting for this train to end. Some get fed up and jump off the train before it gets to the end, some hope for the end but can’t find the energy to get off their seats. There are the envious ones who can’t entertain themselves and make the most of this one-way train. Then there are those that can.
We all play our part on the train; without the loud one, we wouldn’t be able to identify the quieter one. Without the passionate one, we couldn’t pick out the indifferent passenger. We all need each other to distinguish our character but at one point, we all slouch in our seat and cry for a break.
Today – I am tired of life
That’s how I’m feeling today. I look around at my neighbours and just marvel at how we’re all just doing our thing until we finish this train ride. We have one train journey, and we get tired with just this one trip.
Then I stop myself and think of how I need to make this trip work for me because it’s my only one. I can’t get a do-over and I can’t ask for a refund. This is it. Shit or get off the pot. Can we not understand that we need to strip back the conditioned skin and live, as we want?
I am tired of this conditioned world where individuality is fucking tiring. Wearing something different, speaking out in a different way, thinking differently – it’s all so tiring and overwhelming because you spend your time defending it and questioning it.
Who are the truth tellers? The conditioned clones? Or the ones thinking as individuals?
I’m tired of having to explain why I’m a feminist.
I’m tired of having to be scared as a female when I walk out at night.
I’m tired of being asked where my partner is when I have no interest in having one.
I’m tired of having to defend my life-choices to people who have no idea what their happiness is.
I’m tired of having my passion ridiculed by someone who feels none.
I’m tired of being ‘too much’ to someone who holds nothing.
Today, I am tired of… this. Tomorrow, I will find the energy and keep pushing on, not feeling this way anymore. But today… tired. Just tired. And that’s OK.
It’s one train ride… Why is it so tiring? Can’t we sit in our assigned seats without craning our necks to watch and comment on others?
I like my seat. I don’t care if you don’t like it. It’s my seat… not yours.